Funny Bones
by Mark R. Vogel

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry always gets the best of the argument.
Richard Whately


Ham & eggs - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.


I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.


The waist is a terrible thing to mind.

Ziggy (Tom Wilson)


I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.
Katherine Cebrian


Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
Jim Davis


Once, during prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields


Save animals.  Place them in the fridge.



It is after you have lost your teeth that you can afford to buy steaks.
Pierre August Renoir


When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.
Andy Rooney


I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
Andy Rooney


Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Redd Foxx


Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.
Rita Rudner


Shredded cabbage goes great with shredded carrots and mayonnaise.

Cole's Law


In Mexico we have a word for sushi:  bait.

Jose Simon


I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
Erma Bombeck


Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.
Wallace Irwin


I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks.

Totie Fields


The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
Johnny Carson


McDonalds announced it’s considering a more humane way of slaughtering its animals. You know they fatten them up and then kill them. You know the same thing they do to their customers, isn’t it?
Jay Leno


I love Thanksgiving's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.
Arnold Schwarzenegger


Most vegetables are something God invented to let women get even with their children. A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do.
P. J. O'Rourke


You can say this for ready-mixes - the next generation isn't going to have any trouble making pies exactly like mother used to make.
Earl Wilson


"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright


"Nouvelle Cuisine, roughly translated, means: I can't believe I paid ninety-six dollars and I'm still hungry."


I was 32 when I started cooking; up until then, I just ate.
Julia Child


Non-cooks think it's silly to invest two hours' work in two minutes' enjoyment; but if cooking is evanescent, so is the ballet.
Julia Child


A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"
Henny Youngman


A bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"
Henny Youngman


Candy Corn is the only candy in the history of America that's never been advertised. And there's a reason. All of the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Lewis Black


The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.
Isaac Asimov


Our lives are not in the lap of the gods, but in the lap of our cooks.
Lin Yutang


My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four; unless there are three other people.
Orson Welles


I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright


If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
Jo Brand


Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
George Carlin


The perfect lover is one who turns into pizza at 4am.
Charles Pierce


The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out of his nose.

Garrison Keillor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

Alex Levine


Health food may be good for the conscience but Oreos taste a hell of a lot better.
Robert Redford


I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
Bob Monkhouse


I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
Woody Allen


The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
Woody Allen


American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave Barry


Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry


'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Dave Barry


Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Fran Lebowitz


You can never have enough garlic. With enough garlic, you can eat The New York Times.
Morley Safer


Salad is the kind of food that real food eats.



I think salt needs salt.

Mark R. Vogel


The four food groups are beef, pork, lamb and veal.

Mark R. Vogel

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